If he could do it he would do it, especially now that he had nothing to lose. Not his career, not his favourite singer, not his life. Like all the persons in this dark world with the same kind of personality as him, he had a hard time motivating himself and go through with anything in life, but there was something from his past, something he never got bored of.

And he was so much younger…

For so long he tried to keep the band together with his failure leasing him to dark world called depression. Well, maybe not much, but it was still a pretty heavy sadness and one president ghost that sat by his side on that dark blue, almost black, car. No one else could see the ghost but him; nobody would listen to him laughing at his success and failure.

"Do not sit there you stupid blonde." He thought to himself

And the song kept on playing.

"Itoshii hito…"
"Motto…"
"Ai…"
"Boku…"
"Zutto!"

The man singing that song was a bit older than him.

He wondered if he was still in Tokyo or went back to his home town at some point. Maybe he wasn't in Tokyo any longer. Why would he be in Tokyo anyway? After what happened to him, it made no sense for him to stay in Tokyo.
Should be call him to know that? Not now… He was driving; he needed to focus on that. Maybe later he would call him to know where he was. He couldn't crash the car. Not that he minded dying, but not now. If he survived he could see him again…

Summer turned to fall and fall gave place to winter.
Time was passing by so quickly, he was getting so old… A few more years and he would be 40. Maybe now, that he was so old, he had found a nice girl who could stand his silence and take good care of him.
Maybe he didn't. Most probably he didn't. Girls were attracted by the silent type of man, but they couldn't stand it for too long.
The snow was falling again.
He remembered talking to him about wonderful and destructive the snow is while the other three played with the snow itself. He liked to talk alone with him, while the others walked in front of them hanging out like teenagers out of school (and, for a while, Jun was one). He acted so adult-like for his young age… Even when he first laid his on him, he was adult. He liked the way he acts since the first time he saw him. Shyly, in the shadows, he made his own jokes and nobody would notice them.

He got outside, stepping away from the interior of the car.
"Ueda-kun… I still remember it…"
How could he forget the beautiful sensation of being innocently in love with someone who was a virgin and knew nothing of his little world?
"You said I would forget it, eventually… But I never did…"
True love, how do you forget it? Maybe you can't forget it. Maybe you never forget it.

It was cold outside with all the little snowflakes falling from the great dark sky. Beautifully sad.
With his hands turned to the sky, he went on, catching the snow that melted when it softly touched his pale skin.
He had no direction; he simply aimed for the nothingness he never felt. He was so filled with feelings and ideas that he never had time to truly fee empty. He knew that too much ideas can kill as easily as no ideas at all, but aren't those blessed ignorance so much happier?
It made him miserable to be aware of how filled with ideas he was. The snow falling upon him was a way to escape, but like a writer, a photographer or a poet, he could never truly escape. Ideas were all around him, hitting him, like a never ending punch.

"Tadashi-san?"
The voice was awfully familiar, it sounded like something that came out of dream. Maybe it was all a dream, maybe just maybe. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be reality. That voice, low and quiet, seemed so far away and yet echoed on inside his mind. Tadashi couldn't open his eyes to reality; he refused what his eyeballs were seeing.
It was him, in the middle of a street filled with snow. It was him. Him!
He took his hair away from his face, to see if it was real.
The white snow fell of his dark red hair. He looked like a princess trying to be a man.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
Liar.
He was remembering Ueda because Kenji never made him feel so empty, inspired or depressed all the same time. His personality longed for love and new feelings, he never love, those new delusions that he had all night long kept his wish for new things satisfied, but not his heart. His heart was broken and lost its glue.
"That's horribly dangerous in the middle of the winter."
Tadashi looked at his hands. They had turned purple with the cold. His bones were burning and had a hard time moving them. When he moved his fingers it hurt a lot. He never liked physical pain.
"I know."
"I'm going for hot chocolate, want to come with me?"
"Sure."
Before walking with him towards the nearest café, Ueda held Tadashi's hands for a bit. Nobody noticed it, but Tadashi blushed. His face was so red due to the cold that no one would notice. What Ueda did notice was his happy smile. It was good to see him smiling like that.

After that little moment, they head off to the nearest café, silently walking. They didn't say a thing; it was like they had this understanding through silence. There was no need for words as long as you understand what your companion is feeling. Ueda learned how to do that long, long ago. He learned to read Tadashi, it took him a while, but he did it and that help him over the years. He knew when to step away from him or when to stay at his side, something that others couldn't quite do. He could feel that now he need company, that sadness was overcoming him and would eventually would take him downer than what took Kenji or anyone else he ever knew. Because Tadashi was usually happy and strangely upbeat and good humored, if he was ever sad it would kill him.

"I remember when it last snowed like this." Ueda suddenly said when he reached the café's door "We drank hot chocolate too. Can you remember it?"
How could he not remember it? That was when they talked about the snow and those three kids were playing around throwing snow at each other and occasionally hit someone that passed by. On that day, when Phantasmagoria was still together, they all sat down. He was next to Ueda and Kenji didn't care for him, he let him talk freely with Ueda. He was too busy messing around with Jun's hair to even notice.
He could see the reflections of those lost days in the café's walls. Like mirrors, they allow him to see his own reflection, a reflection long lost and yet so near him, so dear…

Tadashi smiled.
"Yes, I do." He answered "I remember it quite well in fact. Actually, how could have I forget it?"
"I don't know. People tend to forget things."
"You know that I'm not like the others."
"Well, all you're missing is a blue box."
"A blue box, Ueda-kun?"
Tadashi smiled confused. He didn't know what he was talking about.
"Oh, don't mind it, it's just things to keep me busy."
"I see…"

The two men went inside after that strange commentary. Tadashi had no idea what Ueda was referencing, but that seemed to amuse him. As long as he was happy, Tadashi would be happy too, even though he wasn't sure why.
They sat down not long after, near the window.
Tadashi gazed the snow. He still longed for those days…

"Hot chocolate for you too, Tadashi-san?"
"Sure."

I would never rise again. No. Phantasmagoria wasn't a phoenix; it was the ghost that sat by him. Big, sad, ugly ghost. And Tadashi just looked into the hot chocolate or into the snow, saying nothing, doing nothing. Ueda, alone, he was silent, but not the sad kind of silence. There was sadness, sadness all around that man.

"I…"
"Yes, Tadashi-san?"
"There is something I need to tell you."
"Don't tell me. I think I know what you're going to say. Just wait a bit longer, okay?"
"How do you?..."
"I don't waste the words. They're too precious; if you say it out loud it will lose its meaning. Don't say it, just wait a bit longer."

Tadashi was stupefied, but he did like Ueda told him. He waited, he waited for what it seemed an eternity and it burned like a supernova. Oh by all the Gods, and Saints and all those little things humans believe in, it burned him deeply. He wanted it to stop. He needed the cold snow. Now. Now!
He was in panic for some reason, he didn't know why.
Tadashi had to stand up and go outside.
His cup was still full. Why?
Ueda couldn't understand what just happened. He didn't know what just went through the older man's mind, but he light brown haired man went after him, quickly putting his multi-coloured scarf around his neck.

"Wait! Just wait!"
Ueda though he was going much further, but he already had stop walking. With his long black jacket trying to run with the wind, Tadashi was doing what Ueda saw him doing before, catching the snow with his hands.
The thin man seemed to be blown away with the wind, but in fact, he stood there enjoying the wind and the melting water from the snow. Feeling alive.
For some reason, that was beautiful, amazing, wonderful, lovely.
Ueda walked towards him and listening to the steps, Tadashi looked at him, smiling. There he was again…
"Ueda-kun, I-"
"Don't say a thing. I've told you, words are too pretty to be wasted like that."
"I guess all the words I might say are sucked out of meaning…"
"They might not have a meaning to you, because you said them so many times, but to those who never heard them, they're a blessing. However, I rather not be blessed. I have no need for blessings."
"Why do you say that? Everyone needs a miracle."
He young man laid hand on his shoulder very kindly. Maybe even in an uneasy way, but he did so.
Tadashi blushed and this time Ueda could see it.
"See? I knew it."
"I could just be blushing."
"You don't blush for no reason."
Ueda got closer to him.
It felt strange yet so but so damn right, like it was meant to be like this since the beginning to time itself.
They closed their eyes and their lips touched softly and yet natural. It was that innocent first kiss that only some people get the chance to know and adore. It wasn't much more than an innocent kiss in the snow, but it held much meaning. Tadashi felt free, free from the ghost of the past that vanished with the wind knowing that it was no longer necessary for it to be at his side.
Ueda simply felt loved in a different away. Tadashi could be anything they wanted to, but in the end he was just a child at heart. A child that grew up too much in a world not made for him, like all the other people like him.

"And all I wanted to say was 'I love you'."
"Shiu… Don't waste that one."
"It's the first time I'm saying it."
"Don't say it again. Never."
"I promise."